Addendum to last week's Pizza Party

Friedrich Hayek came to me in a dream last night and reminded me that I neglected to review a frozen pizza available here in the omaha area in my review last week!

Holy wine-in-a-box I can't believe I forgot about Tofutti's very own frozen pizza "Pan Crust Pizza Pizzaz" square pizza-shaped product! I seriously can't belive I forgot this little guy, and Tofutti I'm sorry for fogetting you (and i'm even more sorry for the review I'm about to give it).

Remember pizza from elementary school? Yeah I do too. Well imagine that, but instead of cheese you have this white, soupy, potion-stuff on top of the pizza that is solid at room temperature but when you heat it up it combines nicely with the underlying tomato sauce to make this tangy, orangish spread/topping on top of a pretty good tasting crust.

Maybe I'm being a little harsh. It's getting late so instead of trying to mask some compliments in poor attempts at humor, i'll just bullet point some pros:

• It's pretty good comfort food when you're studying late at night
  
• the crust is actually pretty good tasting, and goes well with the sauce

Buuuuut I have to include some cons too just to be balanced:

• Tofutti is the 2nd worst product name next to Tofurkey. Sorry vegan companies, you really need to come up with better names.
• No toppings
• contains partially hydrogenated fats
• vegan cheese topping is more soup than anything
• ashamed to eat in public
• not sure if i should really consider it "pizza"
  
• box packaging looks like a Geocities website without the animated gif of a skull on fire morphing into a pot leaf. next to the ingredients they have "Best Viewed in Netscape 3.0" on the box.

Don't get me wrong I'll still get this thing because I love to eat anything vegan (except natto. /shudder), and sometimes i like not cooking, and it's fun to add your own toppings to (asparagus, mushrooms, chickpeas... mmmm).... But in all seriousness this pizza is a mere shadow of what an actual pizza should be. If you want to see what all the hype is about, or you're like me and will just.plain.eat.anything.vegan then you can pick this up in the health-market section of most HyVees in town (except for the one on 90th and center because that one sucks).

ps: hey tofutti me and my boy J-Biebs improved on your box design. you can pay me via paypal.

Add Glitter to your Photos

pps: hey tofutti i still love your fake ice creams/sandwiches and cream cheese-like spread!

Next Week: Omaha's pizza joints that serve vegan cheese pizza!

letter response

I got a letter the other day from one of my fans.

"Dear Dave,
What do you eat when you go camping?
Sincerely, Silas R. Tripplehorn"

Well Silas that's a great question. When I go camping i follow two main rules when bringing stuff to eat which will guarantee a maximum amount of fun:

The Two Rules of Camping as a Citybwoy:
Rule 1) Bring something you can stab with a stick and roast over a fire
Rule 2) Bring Something tasty you can get tore up on

A few weeks back I did just that. A friend of mine, James, was getting shipped off to the army so what better way to wish him goodbye than to get all of us in our late 20s/early 30s and get a few cabins out where the authorities don't care what we do.

Here's what I brought to satisfy rule #1: Tofurkey Italian Sausages. Tofurkey probably has the worst name I've ever heard and I feel embarrassed even thinking about saying it, but if you can say one thing about Tofurkey it's that Tofurkey knows how to make fake sausages. They also impale themselves nicely on a stick for roasting over an open firepit. I ate an entire four-pack that night

For rule #2 I usually fall back on old faithful here: Trois Pistoles beer-like drink from Unibroue. Now there are TONS of beer selections out there for vegans, and thanks to http://barnivore.com/ it's now super easy for us to figure out if a beer is vegan or if it has fish guts or honey in it. At 9% ABV this stuff is indeed designed to get you faded (and I think it's too high to consider it beer anymore), but it tastes great along the way. But honestly the biggest reason i get this is because there's a giant flaming nightmare horse flying over a church at midnight on the packaging. I don't think they could have made a logo more in tune with my tastes than that. Well maybe they could have put a Beholder fighting a Wizard or something on the logo, whatever, you get my point.

All and all a fun night of camping, friendship, vindication, and everyone being drunk and peeing in the woods. The sausages are exclusive to Whole Foods here in Omaha. The beer i think you can get more places like whole foods, Peony Park Hyvee, and I think Nomad has it too. I'm sure more places have it but those are where i usually get them.

Here are some more pics of us camping and being ridiculous (thanks erica's facebook and princesslasertron.com for the pics). I'm in the red hood:

war of the frozen pizzas. Amy's vs Kashi.

For those too lazy to read ahead, Amy's cheeseless pizza wins.

Amy's No-Cheese Pizza: Take away the cheese from pizza and what's left is actually pretty boring. Amy's knew this and didn't just try to pass off a pizza without cheese, they damn well reinvented the pizza altogether. The crust is amazingly sweet and crunchy. The sauce is a sweet onion sauce that tastes nothing like boring tomato sauce. Oh shit and the toppings couldn't be better! artichoke hearts, red peppers, and shitake mushrooms? HERRO YES PREEZ. Holy sweet merciful jesus this stuff tastes so good. This frozen pizza you can get from Whole foods, bakers, or hyvee is permanently on my "list of top 5 comfort foods that i need when i'm staying up late studying for some bullshit test". About the only thing wrong with this pizza is you'll be tasting onions in your mouth well into the next morning. Perfect for lan parties where other gentelmen of ill hygene habits are known to frequent.

Kashi Some Bullshit Pizza with no Cheese: I learned a new german word today. Seelenschmertz. It translates to "Pain of the Soul". I don't think I have to say much else about this pizza. Perfect for people who don't know what the word "taste" means. Sorry Kashi.

Ever since i lived with my parents I've loved clif bars. Then a few years ago Clif (or his son or whoever runs the company) got wise and made these candy bar things.

THESE THINGS ARE AMAZING. seriously. they have like 50 flavors whereas most other vegan bars have either "cardboard" or "interesting" flavor. Peanut butter, chocolate, cookies and cream, lemon, almond vanilla, and my personal favorite MINT CHOCOLATE GIRLSCOUT COOKIE TASTING FLAVOR. (i'm not kidding, just like girl scout cookie)

Anyway I think he made this to appeal to guys who work steel, or weld pipes all day, but i don't care i still eat them. 20g of protein per bar i guess if you're an athlete that means something, but i'm more interested in these things having 20g of chocolate per bar (statement not evaluated by FDA).

They're great meal substitutes in a pinch, like if my wife springs some shit on me like we have to go shopping for baby clothes and i just got done pulling weeds in the yard all sunday afternoon and i'm so hungry stomach is digesting itself i can just pull one of these beauties out of my pocket and go to town on some 200+ calorie awesomeness... all of which i will use for shopping :(

Get these at pretty much everywhere now. bakers, hyvee, whole foods, wohlners has 'em now too, walmart, target... but by far the cheapest and best place to get them is Whole Foods. Yeah weird i know, something is cheaper at whole foods?















(this vin diesel lookin' dudebro has the right idea)

this shit is good. all other soymilk tastes like juiced wheaties as far as i'm concerned, even other silk flavors. Not really sweet at all but it also tastes nothing like that "soymilk" taste that every other brand has. I think the omega3-dha they add gives it an awesome creamy flavor my cereal craves.

everywhere has it except wohlners. WOHLNERS YOU HEAR ME? WALMART AND TARGET HAVE THIS SHIT BUT YOU DON'T?! Wohlners i love you but you gotta stock this stuff, seriously.

also bakers on saddle creek sells out of this shit so fast because they only stock it one unit thick when CLEARLY everyone knows it's the best. bakers wake up.